8 Signs of a Toxic Friendship | Sharon Livingston | TEDxWilmingtonWomen
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- 게시일 2016. 12. 20.
- There are stories of people with bullets in their head who don’t even know it.
Many more people are living with toxic friendships without even knowing it.
Knowing the 8 signs of a toxic friendship can help you avoid them.
Dr. Sharon Livingston is founder and president of The Livingston Group for Marketing, Inc., a brand marketing research company that implements projective techniques to discover and strengthen the relationship between Fortune 100 products and their consumers. Sharon also wrote “Get Lost Girlfriend: How I Found Myself When My Best Friend Dumped Me”. In spite of her professional success, Sharon found herself in a toxic friendship - a friendship she treasured turned out to be deeply harmful. Turning to business principles in branding and working on her own personal brand, she learned new ways to care for herself emotionally. Sharon has determined that toxic friendships are identifiable, that you CAN heal and protect yourself from poisonous people in the future.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
If you are looking up toxic friend videos, you have a toxic friend. Welcome to the true cool kids corner 😂
I agree!!
So true! 😭😂
🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
You read me like a book
😭😭
Easiest way to know you have a toxic friends, is when you feel like you are dying inside whenever you talk to or see them.
well that confirms it
Yes
They always put you down
Haha! Very true 😆
KumaJoey What if they are always trying to start arguments with you and call you names but get mad when you’re upset because of it?
It's terrifying leaving any friendship circle knowing that you'll have no one left
What did you do?
@@rinkimds6561 It's crazy to think this was a year ago. Now, I'm happier with my friends than ever before! I promise you, it gets better.
I'm doing it now. I'm in a group that I got addicted to and they are toxic all of them. But I'm codependent and I have to own up to that. I'm shedding all of them and I'm scared
kristi schrittwieser me too, they’ve been my best friends for ages and i’m starting to realise how toxic our friendship became. it’s terrifying because i only have one other friend and i’m scared that i won’t have anyone. how has it gone for you so far?
@@whoreinmymind Its been painful at times but I cant go back. A few have tried to contact me in the pandemic but I've backed away. This has been a real humbling experience. I'm just trying to have faith.
The best way to identify them is when you feel anxiety before meeting them...
Yes!!! I used to ignore that feeling and give people the benefit of the doubt but now I go with my initial impression
I needed to hear this! thank you I already know them who stresses me the moment I know I’ll be seeing them or they text me
@@abdelrahimahmed2138 is your body telling your
A scary thing is having to take a step back and realize if you are that toxic friend you know
ey now you can learn to change.
ey The upside is that if you are actually questioning it, then it probably WASN'T you.
I think even those of us that weren't the toxic one, know how to identify the traits that try to sneak into us, and uproot them before we become the perpetuators of such cycles too..
Scarier to have a degree of objectively honest self awareness about trust and how damage starts and why emotions have come into play at all, it's only situational tunnel vision to focus on the adjacent dominoes of reaction and playing the only justifiable blame game at all to want to understand how they started their cascade in the first place. But there's usually disproportionate acknowledgement of responsibility in these scenarios, because it's toxic you'll find yourself accepting responsibility for the cause and effects of other people's attitudes and actions, while they accuse you of being selfish and offer up nothing to match. But, they used to care, then their personalities flipped and started gaslighting you so it's hard to blame yourself, and harder still to blame them and escape. Just.. Once you know the rules of the game have changed, it's so critical AF to get out. Only space can help.
anon Well written. I hope I don’t like your comments because I was the toxic friend but I probably was.
It’s been so long now that I just don’t know anymore nor how much I did to contribute or to help her make her decision. The friendship had been less active for years but I don’t think I thought it was strange - just timing, location and life stuff.
But. It ended in a blink, in just one text. 20 years, just gone. That she was happier to end the friendship, with no explanation, rather than at least yell at me or tell me what a bad friend I was, was crushing and left me angry. Not only had I been careful due to the fading relationship but because I knew she had changed a lot since first netting. It was so bizarre. That she preferred to end our friendship, even with very little contact between us. Sometimes only vm’s saying hello every few months... But she still ended it, she didn’t have the energy or mindset to keep-up the facade of being my friend. She didn’t want me in her life at all and it never occurred to me at all. Last thing I texted after she told me she didn’t want to talk to me anymore was, “I wish you the best.”
It takes me 16 years of toxic relationship one day I say enough is enough. I just stop picking up her call. I was always there for her she was never there for me. I become my own best friend. Thank you ma'am.
I dont think, you were there for her. Why have you never told her : that she was never there for you ? And talk about it, then ? instead of considering it was a toxic friendship ?
A relationship/ or friendship is a kind of interdepency, that is soo very normal. That is why people know eachother, to USE eachother......
Monique Vee I also think it's important to start with communication. But if that doesn't work, minimize contact.
Yes, I am afraid nowadays we have so many toxic relationships. Friendships are not based on mutual respect and sincerity anymore, but on something else....
bingo. no point in a big "goodbye" speech either, just stop returning the calls and no more contact from your end. let your absence speak for itself.
Monique Vee
I remember being in a very negative space, and I was the toxic friend. Everything she describes, I was. My friend was my therapist and everything was all about me. Poor girl. She did not deserve that. 😞 she separated herself from me and I was so mad, I thought she abandoned me. It took a lot of self reflection to realize that I was the problem, not her.
Heather, I'm so touched by your thoughts. I'm sure you'll have wonderful friends going forward.
Wish all humans are like you. Self introspection is the calm space towards a healthier life. You are that rarity that everyone wished to learn about. If all toxic people learn it then the world will be a little less dangerous. Thank you for being kind.
Great work. Keep it up.
But look at your awareness and growth. Proud of you.
Good for you for doing your self work.
a damaged person will eventually damage all their relationships in a very noticeable way.
and unfortunately, we are all a little damaged so have to look at ourselves as well as our choices
we can overcome a knat but its hard to swallow a camel
Truth!
All this can be summarized by: “The best indicator of a relationship’s health is the way it makes you feel.”
I love this
Well said
Learn to be a loner, toxic people don't like independence. If you chose to have a friend rather than being desperate friends are easier to dump.
Ruth Barr It's interesting you say this. I had a friend for years who designated herself as the "leader" of our group. I was more of a listening ear, but know how to think for myself. She did not like that aspect of me. She would always decide where we went, and once I started speaking up when I wanted to do something else she turned everyone against me. (The others did not know how to think for themselves. They followed her word like a cult leader)
It really hurt at the time since we'd been friends for so long, but I'm better off without her and the others. A few years from now they'll probably still be doing the same old things.
Ouch. I'm an old lady compared to most of you here. I used to be attracted to these mini cult leaders because I thought they had power and confidence. These leaders are very dependent on their cult and die without their crew. I think teens need to learn to have a few hobbies they enjoy on their own and how to be their own friend, it would save a ton of friendship issues. I see friends from school who never moved on from their teen selves, leaving town or traveling does teens good because they understand who they are without the old networks.
That's tough, maybe first try turning them down until they get the hint.
Caitlyn what you did was the right thing 💕
Caitlyn Sounds like a gang rather than a group of true friends.
I think one of the hardest and most solidifying parts about leaving toxic friends is when you distance yourself and no one even notices.
bingo, great insight and so true. It's very hard.
consider yourself lucky
Life is too short for toxic people
Chanel Coco AMEN
Especially considering toxic friends lower your immune sistem, you dont want to end up suffering from opportunistic illnesses😆
Chanel Coco agreed
I agree, they should live longer.
the hardest part perhaps is taking a step away from that friendship without feeling like some sort of traitor
Yes. very hard
You are traitor to yourself by staying in it.
Answer to nobody but only to yourself! This way life is authentic.
@@multicrogamer exactly true
Yes, it's hard to make that exit. They didn't like it and only heard from one after I sent the email. (There was 7 in the card club)
It’s very very very hard
The super attached friend usually ends up being a toxic friend. I found that my more healthy friends have their own lives, our friendship is important but not everything. So it’s important to have many friends. No one friend can meet all of our friendship needs. I also agree that “best friend” is a childish concept-I love each of my friends for their unique qualities, I don’t need to play favorites. I might be closer to one or two friends at a certain point in time, but that can change
absolutely agree!
Could’nt have said it any better.
I was looking for this comment. This talk set off alarm bells for me. This woman seems obsessive, enmeshed, jealous of other people in her friend’s life, clingy, possessive and unable to take criticism of her behavior. She was absolutely the toxic friend in this scenario.
This is an interesting thread
super attached friends get toxic
Please set boundaries and be open and honest with your friends. If they react rude or offended then may be best not to be friends anymore. Saves time and hurt.
I totally agree. It's difficult to let go of people that "make us feel good", but ultimately we become their commodity.
And what about gaslighting...
Couldn’t agree more
It’s hard to realize when a friendship is toxic, especially after it’s been years, then it seems like you can’t be without them, it becomes an addiction, a cycle, a routine.
Sometimes being alone feels worse . . . for a while
It becomes almost obligatory to be with them
'cuz it's always been this way and who are you to change that, right?
You have to love your own company.
👍🏻 exactly!!!
@@gilmourishgilmourish6205❤ never had a boring moment without a friend, thats my strength.
1. Making you compete with other friends.
2. Negative criticism.
3. Your friend tells you that you need to change.
4. Having to walk on eggshells.
5. Being on an emotional Roller coaster.
6. You listen to their issues but they don't listen to yours.
7. Who calls who and when.
8. The stress effects your health negatively.
Credit to +StrangeViolette
+
Sage Haq that sounds like someone that's friends with my boyfriend and I don't know how to connect to her like I do other people
Last year my friend would've had 5/8. This year? Less.
No. 3 is really situational. Good friends are there to tell you how you can improve and what you are doing wrong without noticing.
fuuuuck...i think i need new friends
The worst thing is when you realize your friend is so much nicer to other friends of her. It should have been an eye-opening moment when I noticed it but I kind of forgot It. Thanks for the reminder! Sometimes it's not about bad people - it's more about bad relationships and the level power over each other. Toxic friendships is such an important topic.
Or she buys expensive gifts for them and a regular every-day thing for you
Or when you see them using a completely different tone of voice with other people that is not only different from the one that they use with you but also is completely fake! Talk about a chameleon who's being their other version (that you didn't know existed until this point) of their 2nd or 3rd completely different version of their FALSE SELF in plain sight!!
Red flags I used to adore and I regretted them later or found out what they were really telling me.. that after knowing a friend or an ex-girlfriend over a decade that I really didn't know who the real them even was because they didn't have a REAL self apparently
I think people come into our lives to help us for a period. These helpers are mistaked as friendships, when really they are short-term situations.
I helped someone once who I didn’t know. Over the years we got close. I was always there for her, she was in a very bad place.
I started a relationship turned out he is a narcissist, I told her all about it and I was glad cause when I left the relationship no one understood but her. Was I glad she hung in there when I was at my lowest, we grew closer and closer and now we are more like sisters.
I can’t imagine a better friend but I had to let go of all the others ... all of them.
If you are there for others and you break down and there is no one ... you know your friends.
I bring her flowers out of my garden and send her nice texts. I really love her, she’s a gem.
Well Said
@@gilmourishgilmourish6205 those kinds of friends are rare diamonds, cherish them.
🎯
@@gilmourishgilmourish6205 how long was she in a bad place for?
One of the most draining kinds of "friendship" is one in which someone is so generous of time and service, so flattering, that it takes you years to figure out that you have been sucked into a relationship of obligation and interpersonal "debt" because you have been used as a prop to hold up someone else's ego. It's a variation on the way child molestors draw children into their trust orbit before they do anything ugly.
Karen, oh wow! Well described.
"a variation" -- well put
💯💯💯💯💯
thank you for this.
Omfg you mean like...somehow you always seem to "owe" this friend no matter how much gratitude you show, no matter how quickly and routinely you MORE than reciprocate or pay her back and then some????
Here are the 8 signs:
1. You find yourself in a competition with her other "best friends."
What? Her other best friend gives her more? Does fun things you can’t? Has things in common with her that you would never want? And why do you know this about her other friend, anyway?
2. There’s an imbalance in talk time - all for the friend, none for you.
You call her and she tells you about how lousy her day has been or how great her day was.
Then you start telling her about what’s happening with you and...she apologizes but has to get off the phone because, well, she has many reasons why, but the reality is that she leaves without having listened to you or your concerns or joys.
3. Your best friend blurts out criticism with a self-righteous attitude
Honesty is important in any relationship. But what happened to kindness? What’s this idea about brutal truth being something to aspire to? It’s still brutal - and damaging. She tells you, "You know, you are just too needy. It’s like you’re a stalker always coming after me."
What? No wonder you feel awful. Be sure you realize that her mean words probably are projections - that is, more accurate as descriptions of how she is than as descriptions of you.
4. Who calls whom?
Are you calling her or texting her far more often than she reaches out to you? Do you feel like you’re more interested in talking and getting together than she is?
Relationships get toxic when the other person isn’t as invested in you as you are in them. The opposite - feeling stalked by a friend's incessant demands on your time - can be disturbing as well.
5. Your best friend tells you that you need to change.
But what about her? She sees no need to even recognize her own shortcomings, never mind to change them. It’s about what’s wrong with you.
If only you changed, it would be fine. She’s not interested in seeing what she brings to the party - just in pointing fingers of criticism and blame on you.
6. You’re walking on eggshells.
At first, it was so fun to be with her. You laughed, you commiserated, and it was such an enjoyable connection. Then something changed. She flipped. It’s so easy to get into trouble with her now.
Better be careful. But then you start being overly careful, watching every word to avoid saying the wrong thing.
7. You’re riding an emotional roller coaster with your friend at the controls.
It started out as an amazing connection and you felt so bonded, but now you can no longer predict what to expect. You always worry that she’s going to react negatively or get upset with you. When it’s good, it’s great. But then, for some unknown reason, you land on her enemies list and...what’s going to happen next?
You feel uncomfortable, worried, scared, and off-balance. You think about her from a one-down position. And then something wonderful happens - suddenly she's full of appreciation for you again and you’re flying high. What were you worried about? Everything is fine.
Then the next day, you can’t get in touch with her. The inconsistency and lack of predictability leave you doubting everything. It’s crushing. Your self-esteem soars and then plummets.
8. The stress starts to settle in your body.
You’re somaticizing - actually feeling ill as the stress impacts your body. You get back aches, neck pain - maybe she's really a pain in the neck?
Instead of feeling bolstered by your connection, you start feeling weakened. Your body continues reacting. You feel anxious, get headaches and stomach upset, you have a hard time getting out of bed.
When you’re in a great friendship, it boosts your immune system.
But toxic friendships are sickening. While relationships often have ups and downs, if you're on a wild ride, you may want to think about hopping off before you turn green. Friends are supposed to add to your life, not take away from it.
Hi Folks. Did this help?
yes :) thank you. just ended one yesterday, and am making amends to those she hurt while I stood by (or participated..) on those eggshells.
I was in a toxic friendship but in our case, we shared all 8 of these.
I have been in a situation where disconnecting with a toxic friend meant loosing the whole group of friends that i had at the moment. If your other friends really care for you they will stick around and if they don't then they are not worthy and you will in due time find new friends.
Good
During months of social distancing my niece said she felt lonely doing things alone - eating, grocery shopping, watching films, running...now she's fine with it. I congratulated her. Finding comfort in solitude is a super power when you need to get rid of toxic people in your life.
I love this story. We should not have to live our lives to fulfil what others think we should be doing. You should make friends, you should socialise, you should eat this be in a particular place in a career etc. Guess what, how about being in charge of our own lives, living our lives according to our own standards not anyone else's. We are where we are in life at any given moment because it's our own personal journey, being with others should be a choice not a necessity
I got rid of several toxics during covid…..what an amazing silver lining
Having boundaries is a great thing.
I really hate the title "best friend". Seriously hate it. I want to have as many friends as I want and not have to pick just one to be the "best".
Awesome Person Same! I’m not a fan of labels.
I agree...best Never to be overdependant in One friend as the "best one. " I needed to befriend myself too. Codependancy for Sure. I agree. X
Nobody “has” to have a best friend! It’s a title people use for a friend with whom they have a closer relationship than any other friends. But, if you don’t have someone like that in your life, then there would be no reason to use that term.
I don't think you chose a "best friend" its just someone you find yourself connecting with and gravitating to the most. I'v had plenty of friends but there was one girl who I just connected with so well, she was basically a sister, I used to just about live at her house I was there so much, we could even just sit in silence n just have the best time together just being in each others presents and I knew this was a one in a lifetime friendship and I realised she was my best friend.
Awesome Person Exactly 💯
I recently stopped talking to someone who I had called my best friend for years, although I've known for a while that the friendship was somewhat toxic. Almost every conversation with her was a rehash of her problems, me trying to give her advice, and then her rejecting said advice. I almost never talked about myself, the conversation usually shifting back to her. It took me a while to find friends that I could count on, come to with my problems. The best advice it to know when you're in a doomed situation it's just best to let it stagnate and move on.
Jenna Stannard -had that same kind of friend. Exactly!What’s sad is she dumped ME claiming I was taking advantage of her. I acknowledged this as a possibility because I was suffering through the loss of my husband and having to suddenly learn how to take care of myself. I needed help at times. I wasn’t there for her as much as usual only because I was drowning in my own life at that time, very depressed and barely sane.
I had absolutely no idea she felt this way. To this day, despite my pleas, she has never told me how I took advantage of her. Anything I ever asked for were small, normal things that friends do for each other. I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did that was so bad that it made her feel this extremely upset. Nothing added up.
I wrestled with the idea of going along to get along but knew in my heart it would never work. It was sooo hard to let go but I refused to be bullied like that. I was tired of always being the one to apologize even when it’s not warranted but never being apologized to. This time I said NO!
How is your situation going?
P.S. Oh, and this supposed best friend and her husband who was best friends with my husband, made up ridiculous excuses for why neither of them could come to my husbands funeral. How‘bout that for a gut punch?!
Sorry. Still need to rant sometimes. 😢
My so-called best friend, who was NOT, asked me to be her maid of honor, made me go down to try on the dress, then changed her mind and chose someone else. She still wanted me to attend the reception anyway, so I did! Then, when I got married she never showed up at my wedding. Needless to say, I didn't ask her to be in my wedding party. Last saw her in 1980; it never seems long enough ago.
Had a friend like that for over 20 years, she even made my wedding/her speech to my husband and i about herself. Haven’t spoken to her since that day, it’s been going on 4 years
I feel the same way you do. I had a friend who told me his step mom was taking his money after every check he gets from work and she would decide how much he gets after paying the bills. I guess it was my fault for giving him advice he didn't ask for but I told me he could get his own bank account so his mom can't take his money away from him anymore. A year goes by after I have stopped talking to him and he hits me up saying we should hang out for my birthday I said okay. He starts talking about his problem with his mom again. In my head I thought to myself why didn't he accept my advice? It hit me at this point. He didn't want help. He wanted to have somebody to talk to. I just didn't have time for that kind of relationship. I have enough on my hands. I can't handle people who can't help me too, you know? My advice I have him was very genuine. It would have solved his problem of his step mom taking his money. I also told me to move out. This was my advice. And now I'm taking it. In going to start work soon and move out of my own mom's house.
I was giving advice to people who didn't want help. Take back advice you give to other people to help yourself.
Protect your energy It's better than be alone than be in emotional turbulent situations. Travel. Having mates is fun, just pick the ones that increase your pleasure, not your blood pressure
It’s better to be TOTALLY ALONE than be with someone you don’t trust.
I have been totally alone for decades.i’d love to have a good friend but i can only meet toxic people.
"We make ourselves sick with sadness." Profound. Thank you.
I stopped doing that cuz one who is a true friend if themselves will always figure it out real easy
Yes I did,grateful that I now no better. We our the manager of our self's.. He was right
Friendship is a 2 way street. You should be able to advise each other, empower each other but also provide constructive criticism with love and respect to each other. If one person controls the entire friendship, TIme to go.
IamBeauteNow This comment totally hit me. Thank you
Took me waaay too long to realise I was being abused my toxic friend who then discarded me like I was nothing once she decided to move on and was trying to make me look like the toxic person to everyone else I found out later. Man once the mask dropped it was really hard to work out what I had done. I wasn't of any use any more. ...simple. That's what narcissist do though.
@M.J. the key word is "mask". Inauthentic turns me off.
LaMesa Cole Yup! I've just had to turn my back on 2 different people after i glimpsed the truth behind the masks. Guess i must've been a bit of a sucker for not seeing the truth earlier....but better late than never, huh. I'm beginning to realise that my willingness to see the best in people has backfired a little......because whilst i try so hard to focus on the positives, i gloss over the negatives and the "red flags"....sigh. I'm hoping to find a way of balancing this, so that i'm still able to see the positive aspects, but whilst not having that be to the detriment of my self esteem or personal boundaries :/
@@3leggedsharkkickssurferinballs same.
This is absolutely true! I had a toxic friend who would discuss with me all her problems endlessly. But whenever I needed help, she would quickly change the topic and get our focus on her issues. It would take me few months to understand this pattern. Then, one day I withdrew all my energy from this friendship. I feel so free and liberated now.
Same with me rn i helped her so much and now when she got help she doesnt care about me nor listen to my problems and ignore me all day but expect me to help her so much when she is in need. She acts differently with other people and i feel so bad everyday that noone is helping me
Same here. Glad I ghosted her. What a relief.
I am happy to help people but I can't fix them or take responsibility for them, and I can't accede to every request. I also wouldn't expect anything in return. @@tanman4442
Same here
When you feel like you have to break up with your friend to take a step back from the friendship, you know it’s not a good friendship. Also, when they overwhelm you with contact either in person or over the phone, that’s not healthy either.
Good morning
Good morning
You awake?
Get up, sleepy.
Goodbye!
This is why I am a lone ranger. All the people I call friends never contacted me unless I contact them first. Even when I text them sometimes I don't get a reply. I haven't got much luck in friendship in my life. It's either I'm the one keep contacting them and they never really contact me if I don't (which proves how they see me in their lives), or I'll just get ignored because they never reply my texts. I'm getting sick of feeling left out so I just become a lone ranger.
Wani Ismail We're sailing in the same boat
ProgrammerMalcolm Amen to this, x 1000000, to infinity. Toxic people waste your time, and that's the Best scenario, downhill from there
Me too! I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Whilst I fully empathise with u, find some good friends.. I had a similar mindset after going through the same, but isolation can destroy a man / woman, slowly but surely..
Wani Ismail
Change your focus. If you continuously believe you have bad luck with friendships, that is what you attract. Instead of wondering why they aren't texting you back, ask yourself the real reason you want them to reply. The only reason you're a "lone ranger" is because that is what you are deciding. You have the power to change, but will you take it?
Mansplaining moment: My grandfather once told me, "Boy, the only person who let's others take advantage of you is you." The man never made it past elementary school but had more wisdom than a room full of speakers with degrees.
Don't put yourself down by using that term, mansplaining
A more "mansplaining" thing to say would be that you've spelled "lets" wrong :P
Mainsplaining moment: you are using mansplaining wrong.
@@One21Jiggawatts Actually I think his grandfather beated his grandmother all the time. The same with his father and his mother. After that both took him for ice cream. Such lovely childhood memories.
hmm very inaccurate and assumes a lot but whatever
I had a friend, I was always the one who checked in. One day I thought, I will let them call me... and I never heard from them again. They never called me. We haven't spoken since. We had been "friends" for over twenty years. It was such a learning experience.
Sucks, I've had a similar experience. Be your own best friend. That was the best part of the video, imo
Mee too, exactly the same
I had the same exact thing happen! It’s been about 10 years since we spoke. We had been friends since first grade into our 40s.
Whats crazy is that even after multiple people, including therapists, have told me a friendship was toxic I still question it when I talk about it. I'm still convinced that maybe I did something wrong or I deserved it. They always told me I was the one in the wrong and that its my fault that I feel a certain way, despite them making me feel that way. This manipulation continues even after leaving this friendship. You will always be the bad guy and will leave any conversation with feeling worse about yourself. And if you express this to them they'll tell you how your crazy, or dramatic. This is gaslighting and once I learned this, everything made sense. After 6 years and after them completely cutting me off I realized there was a bullet in my head.
Thank god you finally had that realization. I knew such people too.
Same! I feel exactly the same in my situation right now ❤️
Same. Hope ure ok
Im a bit relieved that i’m not the only one feeling this way🙏
this has happened o me I am 10 and there is this one over dramatic friend. She pretends do care about your problems or is happy for you but she isn’t. “Cool” “oh, sorry” and then they change to their problems I learned this because when I read our chats I never hear her say sorry.
When you cant stop thinking about someone and become obsessed with them
You know something is wrong. There is a conditional aspect to the friendship.
A horrible trait, I'm to codependent and that's when I need to step back.
When you don't want them popping up in your brain but they do cause of all the mental stress you had to associate with and now it's deciding to keep distance or cut them off.
@@ladyfantistcreations 😭💔
Codependency makes you and keeps you in toxic friendships. It's very destructive
It becomes like an abusive relationship.
murder them, I did 2 years ago.
If you have people who genuinely care about you and enrich your life, you're very lucky.
I ended my longest friendship with my "bestfriend" it was so hard but now a few months later I feel better
Didn't u feel uneasy after the Time u told that person u wanted to end the friendship
Hey laura. I did the same recently ended my 17 year old friendship cried a little but did it for good. I feel peaceful now though I miss her sometimes but then the thought of her draining me everyday make me realize its the memories not the person she is now.
Abhi Narayan I cried almost everyday for 2 months.
ANKITA SHARMA wow you can be proud of yourself 🧚🏽♀️
Freedom, m using this lockdown to get rid of toxic people
Thank you for nailing this grey area in psychology field. I had this happen but realized that I build friendships with selfish narcissists much like my mother. I was the pleaser who was rarely acknowledged.
Sounds like me and my ex girlfriend.
I can relate, I've started to realize I'm not alone in the way I feel.
I couldn't relate more.
I’m having a tough time acknowledging my mom as a narcissist, but I definitely sought out friendships where I was ignored and under- valued, much like growing up with my mother.
Wow Caroline, thanks for what you just said, I have been rather hard on myself about a friendship I stayed in far too long. I now realise it was because of my relationship with my rather narcissistic Mother whom I could never please... I just repeated the pattern.
I've been on both sides - being the toxic friend and receiving toxicity.
Thank you so much for this talk, so eye opening and relatable.
Thanks Bea. I have too. It's good to be introspective as well as looking out
Me too
Our "gut" instincts and "feelings" will tell us when we are in a toxic friendship. Sadly, many of us don't pay attention to this. Question: is the friendship all about them and rarely, if ever, about you? Do you feel better or worse after spending time with him or her? There's your answer.
excellent
my problem is i have to be the perfect friend and when i am it's fine but if i make a mistake or even do something she doesnt approve of they begin to manipulate me.
I am not sure what my gut instinct is feeling me. but my heart started to pound fast. because he told me he changed his mind on that he was going to be in a relationship with a girl he said he did not feel the same to. He made me feel ill on the inside because it felt wrong to me.
Best way to tell if you are in a toxic relationship.
@@isobelgray7429 yeah so true
I've had toxic friends and I've been a toxic friend as well I realized sometimes it really is the best to walk away from a relationship for good of both people. I've taken emotional and verbal abuse from others, but I am also guilty of being manipulative and trying to change people and people walking on eggshells around me. I'm going to extract myself from toxic relationships and be my own best friend!!!
proud of you!!!
That’s the plain truth
@@laughoncomedy2923 even i have a toxic friendship she is kind of popular im scared to come out of her because I'm scared to be left alone in my school coz everyone in school listen to her
A good friendship is analogous to two people on a seesaw. Both are capable of listening to and consoling each other, just as both are capable of taking turns being at the lower end of the seesaw.
Distance runner this is exactly how I spoke of my relationship with my very much older husband. I said "Trust is a Teeter-Totter, and that is how our relationship IS." (WE trust each other, not to jump off suddenly and drop the other one.)
Great analogy
Amazing analogy.. 😭📝📝📝
blue c you said it beautifully😊
Yes, one rows the boat harder when the other one can't and vice a versa. Reciprocal, not controlling.
I got out of a toxic friendship a few years ago. She was manipulative, bossy, and self centred. She would tell me to come over, but every time she would be having fun while I had to stand back and watch. She never wanted me to hang out with other people, and when I did she would make me feel bad for not hanging out with her. If there were other people with us like her family members or other friends she would get mad at me if I talked to them. Whenever I said something that wasn't what she wanted to hear she would turn it down immediately. I tried to end it multiple times telling her that I didn't like the way that she treated me, but like clockwork she would guilt trip me saying I was her only friend. I became reclusive and quiet even with my friends and family. She made me believe that my opinion didn't matter, and that I was useless, and less than her. Then, I moved, and it became easier to cut ties with her, because I could use it as an excuse. Eventually I just stopped talking to her, I blocked her on all social media and deleted her contact, yet I felt guilty. I thought that I would be a terrible person if I didn't sacrifice my happiness for hers. But instead of going back to her I started talking to my friends, I got support from them, they let me know it wasn't my fault.
Why do we feel guilty for feeling our feelings?
Most important is YOU !! Good thing what u did !
Been through same situation.
This story is like my ex. Only it was a he and not a she. I left..
no one can make you feel useless unless you want them to. I have , over 16 months, proven to myself how capable I am. And I am proud. I have one friend better than 4 sisters and that’s it.
This exact situation is happening with me currently and it is really hard ❤️
I never thought I’d start fading away from my best friends. We’ve been friends for over 10 years. Now I just want to be alone because we’ve just outgrown each other. They’re so negative and I’m so not. It sucks :/
I ended my 18 years old friendship
I'm at the age I no longer care about losing toxic friends and I know the efforts I put in friendship needs to be paid off. no-one is flawless but I quit if I see a few signs such as:
*disapproveing boundaries set by me for my wellbeing.
* Without atiquette
*bad listener and talkative
*selfish and inconsiderate
* Someone who try taking all my energy and efforts that my other loved ones around me start craving for my energy and efforts.
They absorb and generate toxic emotions and try injecting them in me and take my positive energy and leave me drained
That sounds like my EX!
my best friend would call me to tell me about her life problems or tell me I need to change my future goals and than she would hang up on me. Then she would claim to have this other best friend that she talks to more often. So I reliezed you know what that's a toxic friend and I don't need a friend like that I can be independent.
Alice Kho truth
Alice Kho Well that’s weird, huh? Where in these conversations does she ask about you, what you are doing, what is your opinion, etc.? That she does the same thing to someone else but more so is even worse. About this other friend: she’s basically bragging that she treats someone else even worse than you. What are you supposed to do with that?
william crow your greatness is making me a little nervous, right now .. haha .. have a nice day
@william...hehe!
william crow - find new friends king..!
I had a friend once, sherri, she drained me. Calling me at midnight with her problems. Told her simple solutions, but she enjoyed her problems, not interested, goodbye.
Jade Paulsen I’ve experienced the exact same thing. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus says that when women share problems they don’t want to be given solutions, rather someone to listen and then after a while they’ll come out of it.
Thank you! Finally people are commenting about toxic friends, not just toxic romantic relationships! Well done and much appreciated! It’s hard feeling gaslighted, ignored or to be insulted due to jealousy by someone who’s supposed to be a real friend.
I finally accepted that a "friend" I really care for very much is not only toxic to me but I can't keep her in my life. We have such a long history together. They have been numerous situations where it sure does not feel like a friendship.
Yeah.. So confusing..
I have to thank Ajit George and the TEDx team for making this inspiring event possible. What an incredible group of gifted women, telling their stories. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday and a spectacular 2017
What do you do when your partner is still friends with this person, and said person asks to catch up with your partner constantly, or there are functions with mutual friends and toxic ex friend?
Dr. Sharon recognize that you are going to be confronted with uncomfortable situations a lot.
all you can do, is realize that you can only control your thoughts and your body.
if you understand that person is toxic to you step away, forgive that person for wrongs done unto you and understand there is a huge possibility from that persons perspective they didnt harm u as badly as u feel.
explain to your friends the situation, your feelings and tell them the healthiest thing for you is to remove yourself from that person. if ur circle feels differently, or if that toxic person will continue to be around please do not fear or pain over it.
they are intitled to their own relationships and thats were you can make a choice. if being around her makes you uncomfortable to the point you cant enjoy the moment , excuse yourself and dont be around her.
however you can also deep within yourself, find the compassion you would give to a hurting child and apply it to that toxic person while in her presence.
when she comes around look at her with new eyes, feel a deep saddness for her life and the fact she repeatedly will destroy and sabbatoge herself never really finding true, secure happiness.
what happened between you has passed on, those feelings are only in the past, let them live there, thank her silently for the lesson learned and wish her the best.
you are much more than that disagreement and have much more important things to focus energy on.
she isnt a monster or snake. she is a lost soul who is so blinded by emotions or impulsives she cant see what she is losing.
your picture of her needs to change, not into pity but a kindness. like watching people in deep water struggling for breath, u understand how to breathe, she never learned how to swim, or any coping techniques, or selfless love for others. you only learn how to unselfishly be around others when someone has selflessly given to you and how sad shes living a life where being around people u care for still means they demand from u and not give back...
you are lucky to have met her, learned whatever wisdom she passed to you and her mistakes are your opportunities to make sure you love better, give more, listen more for others and i bet if you actually apply this you will notice your old feelings arent really important and in the present time she behaves more rationally subconciously ATTRACTED AND MAGNATIZED to your behavior.
for the first time you could gift this lost scared person an opportunity of forgivness and love she never had before.
all this is in ur head and written in behavior, u dont say a thing, shell pick up on the change immediately.
good luck, i faced this same thing and my mother turning on me at the same time. i hurt and was wrongly attacked. this helped me heal, see the good and be grateful past and present and was the reason i healed those bonds. not believing i was a victim allowed them to not be defensive and they apologized realizing how they messed up.
u cant really contemplate how ur actions effect others if u are at the same time defending ur postion. she is doing that with everyone now, your intention to not be drowned beside her might just change her life.
good luck, dont force anything, u are entitled to ur feelings but those were then are u looking back and missing whats right in front of you now? love and compassion to you from a sister in California
ps if she stays exactly the same thats ok too, you aren't and you are not helpless nor burdened by other peoples choices. only expect change from you, 90 percent of people will follow suit by u silently altering intention, some cant see it.
more proof she is lost and still a little girl trapped inside an adult body impuslive, selfish and fearful of how ppl see her.
ok cant wait for you to feel so much better! this changes lives and mine did :)
I think you were dealing with a narcissist
Yes. And what were the 8 signs - she never said!
Interesting to me how it's sometimes the people that seem like our enemies and hurt us the most that can sometimes create situations for us that start us on the journey to our own healing.
So true that friendships are undervalued in our culture and romantic relationships are overvalued! Therapists should allow friends to come to therapy sessions - it would give the therapist so much more insight into their client and what might help him or her
If you ignore their calls, texts and stop answering the door, they go away.
Maaaaaaan that doesnt seem to be working in my case :(
"Now I have tons of friends and they were wonderful, and there's no desperation." Thank you for sharing this.
Ugh I hate when a really close friend meets your new friend and then they start getting more closer while they slowly push you away.💔
Maria Vazquez you don't need them...and keep in mind, they will keep trying to rerun this drama with anybody they can find -- so tedious! You dodged a bullet...
Lol yeah, this is the worst! Then they'll bite back and say that you don't own them! XD
Me too
thats a thing? 🤨
Me....😢
Thank you for this talk. I've been through quite a few friend break-ups and it kills me everytime. I like how she mentioned that it's unfair how society undermines friend break-ups because they are just as crushing as relationship break-ups
Been there too. It is sooooo true.
Before this video I felt like I was being hard on my friends for telling them I had decided that I didn’t want to be friends with them any longer in this upcoming school year. This revelation that I should separate myself with them was when I was meditating on the relationships I was carrying and realized my friendship with them brought me more anxiety, lowered my self-esteem, and I also felt that I had to be someone else for them in order for them to like me. Never really felt I could share my deep thoughts and feelings and believe me I tired but all I was left with was feeling uncomfortable. My friends have asked me reconsider but I don’t think I can go back after knowing how I really feel.
And why should you go back?
Seems that toxic people are seeking others to be a source for supply.
Christine Haigh that’s exactly what it is..
AKA an emotional vampire
Misery loves company
Yea...narcisistic supply!
I thought I was the only one who was so much emotionally invested in friendships. I supposed all the other people only care about romantic partners in that way.
the hardest part of getting out of a toxic friendship is that you will have no
one left
It feels like that for awhile. Very uncomfortable. But you'll grow through it and have opportunities to make better choices. I feel for you.
I was proud of myself when I recognized covert hostility in a new ‘friend’ and detached from her without a word. It was very simple - I knew I didn’t need anybody to behave that way around me. I had gone out of my way to help her when she took a swipe at me because she had not slept. She dumped on me or tried to, without cause. Unwarranted aggression is always a giant indication of immaturity and not a good sign at all.
Perfect analysis!
This is helping me understand my life wt my "bud"
As i love easily, I find that I keep holding on to the good times. And somehow trying to forgive her for the unwarranted aggression. It's tough but trying everyday ❤️
Every word you said. Totally how and why I dumped my "best friend".
I stopped being friends with my best friend about a year ago. She was treating me with disrespect and she was doing something and when I done the same to her, she insulted me and got angry. That was the last day we talked. I am a person to apologize even when it is not my fault, because I value other people more than few words, which happened with her at least 4 times before that, so I decided not to humiliate myself once again for someone who doesn't care. She never apologized. I made some friends since, but there is nobody that can be my best friend again.
This exact same thing happened to me a couple years ago. It's incredible how similar toxic friendships are to each other, even with entirely different people. Thankfully, I cut the friend out of my life instead of the other way around. After that I felt like I was walking around without this weight that had been on my shoulders for years. When you feel freed after ending a friendship, you know the friendship was toxic.
If you have a friend who is toxic, and you tell them they need to change, you will then be tagged as toxic. And if their approaches are too rude for you and you tell them that, they will say they feel like walking on eggshells around you.
So if you don't like how your friend treats you, you can tell them but you need to observe if you feel that they are treating you better or they are burdened by having to treat you better. "i feel like walking on eggshells around you."
And if it's the latter, you just need to let them go.
The first sign that you're willing to be a friend is to take a look at yourself. What are you bringing to the equation. Friendships need to be give and take. And we only know how much we're giving by being honest with ourselves. It's never only the other person.
Yep! Happened to me as well. The thing about the 2 flawed friends is If one of them is narcissistic/borderline personality disordered they will probably listen to you about your flaw's then exploit them as weaknesses. I'm better off being my own best friend due to meeting more then one person like this.
you will always miss that friend that let you down.. or feel hurt...because you do not understand why after 40 years of friendship or more! she decides she doesn't talk to you anymore (!)
every single friend who has came into my life ends up being fake. honestly so sick of dealing with it every single time
how do non-fake people end up with non-fake people? That's what I wonder as one of the non-fake people
If you're both on the schizoid scale, lol @@AverageAngel
When I came home from spending the day with friends, and I thought to myself “with friends like these, who needs enemies”? Thats when I knew I had to jump ship!!
IF YOU ARE TERRIFIED OF LEAVING, just know, I REGRET not leaving my horrible friendships. Walk away and give yourself peace
I hand pick my friends & choose to keep my friends that I already have, regardless IF it's long distance friends. So, many people are quick to hurt someone, just to get where they want in life. Their lack of self-love, self-respect & integrity/character is evident in their relationship. However, with age comes wisdom & maturity; I choose drama-free, genuine friendships, rather than drama & fake friends. No doubt--you cannot put a price on peace of mind.
Jessica Allen I totally agree when you said people hurt people out for their own selfish interests/gain it’s like a dog eat dog situation basically a one man for himself but they will reap what they sow it’s no such thang of karma but I do believe you reap what you sown!
Make new friendships but keep the old the one is silver the other is gold.
this doesn't apply just to friends, these can be signs of toxic relationships within families, whether it be between parents and children or between siblings etc. and it makes it even harder to leave a relationship like that behind because of the backlash you'd receive, not just from that family member in particular, but from family and possibly friends too...it's really tough :(
You're right. That makes it harder. And happens at work too
I'm at A stage in my life I Cut anything or, anybody That decreases my joy and Peace.
We can't place so much trust in people regardless how charming they are. Balanced, healthy self love is important and learning to be alone sometimes is good. Meeting compatible people will come in time.
1. "Had to establish best friendhood" all of a sudden. You don't know at the beginning whether it is good chemistry or bad chemistry.
2. Started belittling her, using another "best friend" as a comparative tool.
3. Toxic friend telling her "you know, you really shouldn't..." or "you know, you have to change that.
4. Urge to take a step back, feeling of constantly walking on eggshells.
5. Self-worth wrapped up in the relationship.
6. Tons of energy/time devoted to worrying, when to call, when are they going to call next.
7. Friend venting and walking off or hanging up immediately afterward.
8. Making ourselves sick with outrage & anger, sadness, grief over the failure of the friendship to be mutual & supportive.
Elizabeth Ross omg thank u. dealing with this right now with someone.
Thanks for the recap. Going thru this right now. ❤️
I wish I had listened to this 8 years ago when I lost 2 of what I considered my best friends. It was a dark period for me. Luckily I found other and better friends and we have a healthy relationship.
So true. The more I like myself: my body, my freckles, my mind, my spontaneity, the less I'm a "pleaser" person.
Thank you for this. I thought I was the only one who experienced being broken hearted by a friend. Praise the Lord
Hey are you trying to attract love (sp) or get an ex back to you, the love specialist offers the best solutions in fixing,restoring broken relationships and attracting love 🌺
whtsaap him"**
“I'm gonna be your best friend” and then that's when everything changes
Your ex friend sounds like, acts like a covert narcissist. Been there, done that! 😉
Great talk. Thank you!
Petra Van Deijl Yep. you are right
Me too... twice... and my marriage.... taking her advice to heart
Jessica Anderson v. You
Petra Van Deijl Haha! Right lol
Been there done that too!
i have a toxic friendship and really hurt me a lot ..but what i learned is to forgive her so that i can feel peace .. and then i felt this was lesson for me so that don't love someone that much .. don't make anyone enter your inner circle of self esteem and confidence , it's not about people are bad , they are weak and they can use the power of love to take advantages of you .. there is a deep point in your heart that can't be touched by human .. this point is your hunger to love and feeling safe .. no human can saturate this hungry point expect God who is not changeable .. who create us and knows our deepest fears and needs.. this is all human relationships pains about.. you can have a balanced, happy and rich relationships if you put them within human boundaries.
I love what you said here!
Here is the difference between your so called friends, and enemies.
An enemy, you can always trust to be dishonest, and will take advantage over you whenever they get a chance, an enemy will never break your trust that you have towards them
While a friend, you can't trust what they can end up doing to you, because you don't know they true inner intentions, so they have a chance to back stab you when it serves their selfish needs
my so called best friend just stopped talking to me one day. Didn't answer my calls anymore and we haven't talked since June 12th of this year. He would often criticize his other friends , and say not so nice things about them and I knew he was doing the same thing when it came to myself. My point is that him not answering my call was a blessing , truth and knowledge about friends and people that will stay with me until I leave this earth!!
I think the key part to this TEDxTalk is when she was talking about becoming best friends with herself and people naturally came into her life. I think you can avoid a lot of toxic relationships -- platonic or romantic -- if you work on building the relationship you have with yourself first. Obviously over the course of your life friends are going to come and go for various reasons, but I think it's important that you always value yourself first. I don't think that's selfish and I think it helps you in the long run.
I am a firm believer that you are the most important person in your life, and obviously friendships are important, but you can't become a doormat and allow people to walk all over you.
The people who truly care about you understand that you are a human trying to get through life too and will respect the space you need and respect when things get chaotic that you need to take care of yourself and your needs first before them. A true friendship needs to ebb and flow and give and take and should never feel forced.
devon ..i feel the same way...
Profound! When Sharon looks in that mirror and says, "I will be your best friend"...is so meaningful! Thank you so much for giving such great advice with such heartfelt feeling and emotion.
The desperation...is killer. It's time for me to be my OWN BEST FRIEND! THANKS!
Very easy to relate to the talk. In this era where we disconnect so easily yet seek companionship and inclusiveness, your talk reminds us to be true to ourselves first and reflect the behaviors that make us whole.
YESSSSSS!
Thank you! I just experienced this as an awake person, and I got out before I became seriously injured. You are right, there are no therapy groups for lost friendships! There should be!
I think I have to start that up now
Laurie Syme so so true
Awake person. Lol!
Good idea. Now you just have to turn that idea into reality. :)
Right?! I'm offering them now for just that reason
Love this i ended a 10 yr friendship & i kept thinking wow no one ever explains how to break up with a best friend
everyone tells me that my best friend who makes me so upset and miserable is toxic but part of me still cannot let them go even though I know very deep down that they hate my guts
Hi Ana. There must be some special qualities too, that keep you there. Please be sweet to yourself. It's an opportunity to make better choices when you're ready
Please get rid of her..it's going to affect your mental health
I think this is something we can all relate to at some level. With age comes wisdom, especially for women and we learn to release the personal friendships that are toxic. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
So only women get wisdom with age, yup that's 51% of the world, amazing how you you feel assured enough in your wisdom to speak on behalf of so many people.
Lemon castle not so fast 😉 she must be referring to the idea women have been socialised into a role where they accommodate and people please plus are easily prone to beige guilt tripped into giving more and more no matter what, thus they MIGHT find it tough to see through toxicity.
spot on, plus anything would seem even more true about womens experiences to her because she is a woman and relates!
men and their experiences can not be completely understood or empathized by women as we are different...same goes for men trying to imagine life in a female mind
so relax honey, lower defenses and u might see intentions differ from your own and u misunderstand from personal bias.
we all do it, thats why thinking abd asking questions are first before allowing personal offence to effect you
"So only women get wisdom with age,"
I was about to answer her in a similar way... she said "ESPECIALLY for women" --- so strange that statistics show women more unhappy now than ever, and more than men. That's wisdom for you!!
This friend sounded like an abuser next to the fact that she might have been envious of this speaker.
With some "friends", you don't need any enemies.
Its harder if you have social anxiety and trauma from past bullying that whenever you meet with this certain (toxic) friend, or even think of them, it's like a trigger to all the bad things and traumas you've experienced from the past come at you all at once making you feel more depressed.
I ended a few toxic friendships and I was relieved. But a couple years ago, I was lonely and I became friend with someone who was very nice to me. But I noticed she drank a lot and I wasn’t sure I wanted to maintain the friendship. But because I was lonely I continued to stay friends.
Then one day she said some hurtful things to me. She started hanging out with another lady. I had no idea what I said or did. When I confronted her she denied she ever said those hurtful things. After that she ignored me. I was very hurt.
I read somewhere that toxic people will hook you and then hurt you. Never ran into that type of person in the past. Usually it was someone who always had some sort of drama in their life and they never changed. They call those people energy vampires
I realize now that I did nothing wrong and she was the one with the problem. Really bizarre. It took me a long time to trust people.
A little bit more difficult if the toxic relationship you end up in is with your own mother. I never chose it. But it's taken me a lifetime to discover it. She's not going to change.
Management. You decide boundaries and then manage all interactions.
Olivia - I feel you. I am in the same boat. She even told me she wasn't going to change.
Stay strong and stay as much away, as possible. That's what I do and she can't hurt me, anymore. But I still help her, if needed and if she asks me (she almost never does ask, so there is not much contact, at all).
It's the best I could figure out, sorry that I don't have something better to offer.
If she's a narcissist, then the only true way to recovery and healing is no contact.
@@alazeh My daughter-in-law had the same problem. Her mother & her husband(her step-father) even hatched a plan to trick my daughter-in-law into giving 'temporary' custody of her baby when she got out of an abusive marriage. They convinced her to give temp custody saying it was to put her daughter on his insurance & to give her time to heal emotionally, find a job, get her life together. When she signed the papers the part about 'permanent' custody was hidden. Her daughter doesn't believe her grandparents would do this & now since they had begun a relationship (finally) she says unless she confesses she gave her up bc she didn't want to raise her, there can be no relationship. The grandmother recently died.
Yeah I'm over the friendships I've had. In retrospect, I see how toxic it was. The " friends" never respected that I'm intoverted and don't jump to sit on the phone for hours. They would badger and be mad at me. I noticed when I gave in more to the demand it was never enough, they drained me. Now I'm done and disappointed but at peace I cut em off.
People can be co-dependent and not know it (burried by busyness, not wanting to face their faults, fingerpointing) even call others needy.
The only answer to this is not to stress yourself just get out of their way and live your life