Behind the Mask: Autism for Women and Girls | Kate Kahle | TEDxAustinCollege

Boggles my mind how neurotypicals dont have to constantly monitor their body and communication style to come off as "normal"

"I'd always had autistic traits and struggles, but just thought of myself as weird."
Relate much lovely. Xx

“Autism is diagnosed when social expectations for neurotypical behavior begin to outweigh the person’s ability to perform those behaviors.”
Never heard such a clear and simple definition on the topic. Thanks.

I had no idea that hyper emotional sensitivity was related to autism. Everyday I discover more and more symptoms I have experienced since childhood and never had an explanation for. Thank you for spreading awareness to people with and without autism!!

Masking is something people dont even realize they're doing. Someone mentioned it was weird I never looked people in the eyes so I was like "oh I'm not doing this right I guess" and started to force it. (The people complained I was looking into their eyes TOO much 😂😂) and rehearsing conversations because I dont want to be caught in an awkward position.
I did this all before I even knew I was autistic

I was just formally diagnosed as autistic (I’m 51) and I have always been exhausted by the effort it takes to do stuff. It feels like everything is an endless sprint that others seemed to be able to just stroll through. Masking takes a Herculean amount of energy.

I just recently told my mom that I think I’m autistic, I’m hopefully going to get a diagnosis soon! Nobody understands just how hard EVERYTHING is for me, nobody has listened or noticed until now. I could cry thinking about it. Everything makes sense, I’m not crazy and I’m not bad. I’m just different.

as a learning disabilities nurse i have been waiting to hear somebody voice the stigma against “aspergers”, due to it’s “founder”. so happy that this lady has included this in her speech

So weird that neurotypicals don't have to think about it. I had to spend over 15 years masking, researching, rehearsing...watching documentaries and movies, reading books and studying social psychology (as this whole thing became one of my special interests) in order to learn it. I'm proud to say I think I do it better than most neurotypicals do. But it was painful, grueling work that took tons of practice, panic attacks and overstimulation (still get those but have to mask it and it's much less now) to achieve. I'm always told how charismatic I am, so I guess my work has paid off. Proud to be neurodivergent!!

I'm a 25 year old woman who was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder at 12 years old and have medicated as such from ages 12 - now. But now, I'm working with a psychiatrist to get an autism diagnosis because all of the signs are there. I was just pidgeonholed.
I can't even begin to imagine how much easier my life would have been had I gotten the correct diagnosis at age 12, and what that would've meant for my self image and self-knowledge. My life in relation to having autism and having those traits has been incredibly difficult and it is breaking my heart to see how society fails people (but women particularly in this conversation) with autism.
After learning what masking was for the first time, I literally broke down sobbing. I finally understood why I've felt so exhausted, left out, and misunderstood my entire life. Now, I just have to figure out what to do from here. I've struggled in education and jobs and can't seem to find a way to succeed.

She went and SAID it. Thank goodness. It’s so hard to find ppl who understand what it feels like to be an autistic female. I’m “high functioning but also low functioning” apparently and that makes NO sense until you look at that nifty little chart.

Beautiful speech. I am a late diagnosed woman. I got diagnosed at 42 years old. It's a lot to unravel. Talk about being an expert at masking!

Here's what I learned when I was diagnosed at 27 (I'm female). Neurotypicals usually can tell you're masking at some point in the conversation. But, they interpret that as you hiding something and therfore become suspicious. This is when you get people thinking you are creepy, or unsettling in a dangerous way. Sometimes they think we are on drugs.
I found out after losing the ability to mask that it's actually a positive for me not to mask anyway. I'm less anxious in public now and I disclose to people in situations where I'll be spending a lot of time with them, like work. Ive found that it seems to be disarming to some, but that still others don't believe me and think its me larping because my differences are not very extreme. But they're not my boss so I don't care. I can let myself not care. 😊

Our brain don't works like yours. To give an example. When I was 16 I rode the tram to school every morning with a friend. One day we got off and she started throwing up. I didn't know what to do and just pretended nothing was wrong. I ignored it. I didn't even ask if everything was OK. Now I know that if something like this happens you have to show understanding, possibly touch the person and ask if everything is OK. And so there are still everyday things that I have to analyze in my brain in seconds and think what you think is normal in response. My life is a stage, and I learn my lyrics seconds before I perform. Pierre-Paul Maes, Belgium.

Thank you so much for mentioning the racial disparities of autism diagnosis in the minority community. Hardly anyone mentions or gives it the attention it deserves. 🥰🥰🥰

This made me cry. I'm 67 years old and always felt like I was from another planet. I lived in a bubble that I didn't feel I could break out of to touch human beings. As a child I'd have thoughts that were way beyond my years but I couldn't communicate them, and I was so out of touch with other children, like I said earlier I was an alien who couldn't relate to them at all. I've been awkward, saying things meant one way that people took wrong and were hurt. I would lie awake and cry, because I felt so horrible for the pain I caused. I'd go over conversations in my head over and over changing things, adding new things, trying to make it come out right as if I could somehow fix it. I've been a performing musician, songwriter, and on the road. That was easier as I didnt have to spend time with people, learned the right short answers, and it worked for me. Now I live with family on an acre and write books. It's good to know there was a reason for it all. God knows, He is good.

Truth-
“Society expects more from a little girl than a little boy.”
Great talk!

I really enjoyed this talk. One thing it made me think of is if society expects more of little girls than of little boys, or just different things. Girls are expected to have better social skills, but boys are expected to be less emotional, for example. I can definitely see some of the issues girls face in being diagnosed with autism being similar to what men masking depression might experience. Not within the scope of the talk exactly, but just made me think

I knew I was weird as I grew up, for almost two years now I'm researching and autism explains even the smallest details of my "character". It's just unbelievable!

I would add that masking is also an effective tool to avoid discipline for "bad" or "inappropriate" behavior, while not truly understanding why that behavior was inappropriate in the first place, or why the discipline enforced is being implemented. They just understand its unpleasant, so to avoid it, they mask.

I'm 25 and finally met a medical professional who believes in my autism. Having someone tell me that I'm not weird and that there is nothing wrong with me after living with those feelings my whole life is the most freeing experience I've ever had.

Yes to bringing up cultural differences 👏 As a hispanic woman, there isn't enough understanding of the spectrum within cultures.

She did a great job describing the basic facts about Autism and describing her experiences, kudos to this young lady!

Learning about autism has really helped me realize that something isnt wrong with me.. thank you for talking about your experience!

I'm a woman and I received my formal diagnosis yesterday, just before my 30th birthday. This video was so, so helpful. Thank you!

I was born in the early 70s, and women/girls, or even POC weren't even tested back then...which is weird since everyone has a brain! Just recently diagnosed as high functioning ASD, at 50 YRS OLD! Of course, I've been dealing with the symptoms all my life, but never knew why...my family was neglectful, and abusive, always calling me weird, and need to act "normal". Such a RELIEF to know why I'm this way.

Dude the high level empathy for me got BAD in fourth grade i would burst into tears every time i thought about something i did wrong that could have hurt others so i cried like five times a day

I haven't been diagnosed with autism, but I heavily relate to all of this and always say that interacting with people feels like a stage performance. I also normally feel like I am at a zoo exhibit watching these creatures (other humans) exist and interact with one another, and I have to study them and mimic their behavior to engage without scaring them off.

I knew several girls in college who could not talk about something that they were not interested in and had trouble processing emotions or connecting with others. I always wondered how someone could be so unsure of their own or other people's emotions. This talk helped to shed some light on that.

I relate to this a lot... I was misdiagnosed (not officially diagnosed, but suspected), with OCD, being a highly sensitive person (which to me, is autism but trying to sound cool), and anxiety. I later got diagnosed with ADHD and suspected autism, but the sensory stuff is similar, and I grew up hiding a lot of stuff, and struggling to know why certain things were okay when others weren't. My special interest was in owls, then later birds on a whole, and then changed over time to be different animals, different crafts, and TV shows I liked. The combination of ADHD and autism often masks those traits even further because my special interests never lasted longer than a few years, which was seen as more normal, and often I'd have a few at once. My sensory things and stimming were seen as more acceptable since my dad's always in a rocking chair with music playing, or the TV on, and I'm the same, I find rocking chairs calming. Everyone had an excuse for my weirdness, whether because I was an only child and hadn't learn social interaction from others, or because my parents split up when I was 5. Admittedly, I don't remember much before I was 5, so I can't get diagnosed due to that. We really need more awareness, as it's so important. Instead of feeling like a failure of a woman, I know that I'm doing okay for being neurodivergent and that I don't have to meet society's roles for what I should do with my life, and what I should wear.

I’m 48 and Deaf since birth. I now know I’m also Autistic. Self diagnosed right now but gathering all info to present to my doctor. My youngest was diagnosed at age 19 two years ago. She’s the one pointing out to me that I have a lot of Autistic traits. It’s also harder to diagnose Autism in Deaf/Hard of Hearing people as they tend to get diagnosed later. I’m a huge DHH advocate and I will be including Autism advocate as well. Need to spread awareness of DeafAutistic so more of us can be seen and heard. Thank you so much for your video and it like a huge “lightbulb” moment and my whole life makes so much sense now. ☺️❤️

Irony of needing to MASK to do the Ted Talk not lost. - Kate You are BOSS LEVEL inspiring and I will reach out to you soon connect as I will be focusing hard core research on Women on the Spectrum. Would love to touch base :)
You are helping us all and so so appreciated in life!

I am 59 and was diagnosed one month ago .
I’m a mother of grown children and I work .I have found life hard but no-one would know how often I have to work out what people actually mean ……all the time , it is exhausting.

What a beautiful and strong young women. As a fellow autistic woman in my early 20s who didn't get a diagnosis until after high school, I relate with so much of this. I'm so happy to see her advocating for the minority of autistic women. I couldn't count how many times I've heard "I never would've guessed you were autistic." 😂
I got so good at masking over the years and it was incredibly exhausting. I do still mask occasionally but not to the same extent that I used to. I've tried to embrace my true self and not feel ashmed for being different. Thankfully I've had good support

Thank you for this. I have a sibling who was diagnosed very late because they are just so advanced and skilled in masking. Awareness like the one you share here is invaluably valid to us in the environment of loved souls as these.

I just got a diagnosis today, I'm 25 and my parents never told me. They even had me tested for ADHD and autism, and my whole life just told me I have trauma, anxiety, or depression. And, I do have trauma but I always knew something about me was "off". My family has always called me weird, quirky, or different and I'm not sure if they meant it in a good/bad way.

She did so well! I am self diagnosed with ASD (awaiting assessment) I suffer from crippling anxiety and I can’t imagine being able to speak so clearly and eloquently in public. 👏🏻 well done! She is giving me hope.

My daughter has just bern diagnosed as autistic. Such a relief after years of her suffering anxiety and depression as a teenager. She welcomed the diagnosis as it lifted a huge weight off her shoulders. Finally, she understands nothing wrong with her but as she said to me’ I have a differ ability not a disability “.

I think I can relate to being autistic but I’ve just thought I’ve had anxiety for a long time and that it’s stronger recently. It’s difficult to know for sure.
For instance, I’ve done some abnormal things socially, struggled with eye contact, become mute in social situations many times unless someone initiates conversation, been naive safety wise in public, don’t like being touched, I think I copy empathetic reactions, don’t know how to react when things go wrong, get overwhelmed sensory-wise, walking in public is stressful, feel like a robot sometimes, I’ve always struggled to connect with people, etc. 🤔 I used to be quite emotional/ empathetic but it’s the opposite now.

I had a teacher who was so sexist. There were two girls whispering and a ton of boys yelling, this teacher said "Girls stop it, that's expected from boys, not girls!" I was so mad. As an autistic person that scared me knowing that I would be treated differently if I un-masked, so I didn't. It causes so much anxiety hiding your true self every single day!
She did an awesome talk! If only everybody listened to this to understand autism more!

So much of this talk resonates. I just found out I am autistic at nearly 37 years old and certain family members don’t believe it’s true. It is a very confusing mental state to be in- finally understanding parts of myself that I’ve always resented, but feeling gaslit that I’m neurotypical to make others more comfortable (?). The masking is definitely real, and it’s exhausting. I hope I can find peace, support and understanding.

I was called out for 13mins straight.

as a female entomologist who has just realized my neuro - atypicalness - my jaw dropped when she said her interests were insects.

I want to start off by saying I don’t have a diagnosis for ASD, but I’ve been researching and this… this makes SO much sense

i can't believe i never knew this about the term Asperger's! horrible. i will be much more mindful b4 ever using that again, thats for sure. i worked with the autism population for many years and always had a soul bond due to my own extreme sensitivity and visceral feelings for all things on this 3d plane. we had secret ways of understanding one another, and it was some of the best work I've ever done, and I excelled in it. i watch these videos b/c it is always so close to my heart and there are still experiences i have with other adults that make me wonder how much they are masking--women in particular. thank you for this, Kate!

I have a big issue with eye contact. I brought it up to my mom when I was a kid and she told me "if you don't know their eye color, you weren't really paying attention" and that cheated me out of it for YEARS. Now that I know I have ASD, it feels easier to not have to force myself to look at people to seem "normal." There isn't a "normal", I'm just different. And that isn't bad.

I started crying 8 min in. Thank you.

I REALLY want to be your friend KATE

I just found out that my 4yr old grand daughter is autistic...thank you for this clear explanation...this information is well appreciated...it is nothing to be ashamed of ,in fact it is a gift ...a special gift in itself..

Its great she eventually got the diagnosis. But i think a big key is getting the diagnosis before they learn to mask and hide themselves. Thats squarely on the parents. My daughter was diagnosed at age 2. But the steps to get her diagnosis started at 18 months at the recommendation of our pediatrician. The dr asked a lot of questions and I was 100% honest answering them. My daughter was not meeting milestones goals...etc. My wife on the otherhand seemed like she was not 100% forthcoming and was "masking" her concerns to the doctor. I feel alot of parents(including the speakers) are in denial and dont tell their doctors everything when they are young. We have to be honest with ourselves.

This is a phenomenal talk. I wish every Neurotypical would listen to this and heed it.

Hi! i am autistic this made me really confident about myself! I was also diagnosed with Asperger's and I also refer to my self as autistic ever since 6th grade

Excellent, such a strong woman…..well done and very well explained.thank you for the insight about Mr Asperger !! I’ve worked in the field of asd for many years, I have my own hyper and hyposesitivities ( Irlen syndrome)……I now want to know more about masking….it’s a new term for me and your personal experience of masking must be exhausting on your neural functioning, and consequent mental health. Have a great ‘asd’ typical life…..x

So beautifully said.

I definitely feel I can use too much eye contact and I have very high empathy.

I could cry! Thank you so much for being a voice for us and having the courage to do this! 💜 I felt your pain and how much you felt what you were saying up there, neurotypical people will never fully know the constant struggle we face and the proving ourselves over and over again to a world that you feel like you don’t belong in, but this is a step in the right direction and we are not alone X

I'm autistic and I will tell you that poor diet is not the cause and a good diet is not the cure, but a good diet low in carbs making sure all foods the person has sensitivities will lessen some of the symptoms. If you have IBS or IBD which way more autistic people do, than you probably have leaky gut. I am still autistic, but can focus on one thing more and block out distractions more now that I eat better.

Aiden Davis was first diagnosed with autism at 25 months and became a singer in 12th grade. He used the stage name ''Ayden Davis''. As of July 12th, 2004, He won the Greatest Teen Singer award.

It took me three years to get my ADHD diagnosis. And now, I’m on this journey. It’s been one year so far.
I expect it to take three more.
I am twenty six. 😭

Holy smokes. I never thought about masking as the reason why I have an anxiety disorder.

I've tried to study and mask my way out of autism, all my life. It is exhausting.

Thank you for stepping up and expressing your challenges with the world .

It took me a whole lifetime of being severely bullied for social ineptitude, a younger sister autism diagnosed at 20, 10+ years of constant anxiety, depression and panic disorder medication, 2 years of therapy, a self evaluation of my impulse control issues with alcohol and sugar, and a total breakdown at the Dr.'s and near loss of my job during covid to finally get diagnosed and treated for ADHD with the family/genetic potential for comorbid Autism at 27.
Masking is critical to surviving in society but also so damaging for people barely keeping their head above water wondering what's wrong with them. I finally have words and reasons and explanations that explain so much of things about myself I could not explain before despite being hyper self aware due to my anxiety of failing socially/publicly like how I did as a child.
Videos like this are so important!!!

I'm 29 and just realized today that this describes my entire life. My entire life!..

Thank you for this talk! I've always known I was different especially socially. I'm terrified of trying to get a diagnosis as my Dr is male and very "rigid" for lack of a better term (we have a lack of good psychiatrists in my area.) I know I'm high functioning but I've masked for so many years and now so many things make sense about why I am the way I am. I'm almost 33. The eating disorder part really stood out to me since I struggled with that for years as a teen. While I feel confident in a self diagnosis, I personally would still like to be professionally diagnosed. I feel hopeful after seeing you speak so well in front of a crowd. Again, thank you.

What a wonderful explanation of what this is, how it shows up and the EFFORT it takes to manage that most people are unaware of. You share an experience that is incredibly similar to my daughter's (who was also not diagnosed until 18)

Kate, You finally helped me to make sense of these things. Your explanations and your presentation are SO very clear and easy to understand for me (I am autistic, too). I thank you so much, you have made a difference in my life.

Learning who I am at 33. Lots of women still don't know.

Since recently learning that my autism was part of me, not something to be ashamed of, I decided to stop hiding it from my friends and fellow workers. I strongly appreciate people like Kate and others who have raised the public awareness of ASD, or as I prefer "Neurodivergence". Since "coming out" about my autism openly, no longer hiding it, a "weight" has been lifted from my shoulders which I have born since early childhood. Autism is NOT something I have, it is what I am, it is part of me.

That was so helpful and reassuring to me because I am in the process of testing which takes two years in the UK due to waiting lists. I've been feeling ashamed and weird, and embarrassed to tell anyone because of the stigma attached to women with adhd or on the autistic spectrum.

Wonderful Kate.. I love your speach. I myself am autistic and never had an idea that hightend emotions and high affective empathy could be one part of it. Thank you so much. It explains so much of how I am and how I work.. so thank you so much. Btw I to am lectureing on the subject and will most certainly recommend your speach to my listeners..

I did not know the fact about Asbergers, I thought it was someone who’d been diagnosed with it - thanks for sharing!

I am 24 and just got diagnosed today. I got told to do some research as to what this diagnosis means, and this is a really good source of information. Definitely a good starting point for learning about my diagnosis, thank you for talking!

very well spoken kate thank you for sharing your voice.

Thank you, Ms. Kahle. I'm researching for a book about a teenage girl with autism and your information was very helpful.

Just loved your video. It made me feel less alone. Keep doing what you are doing. I never new that about Hans Asperger.

Exceptional talk Kate!

As someone on the spectrum it can be a puzzle trying to navigate the web of expected interactions.

This was by far one of the most informative video's on this topic. I've been doing some research on the topic since my best friend is also Autistic and I want to know more about so that I know how to help her, by understanding how her brain works. I've already discovered stuff just by hanging out with her and I know her boundaries quite well. I'm still fascinated with these kinds of topics, so i'm gonna keep doing some research and hopefully I'll pick up a few things allong the way that can help our friendship grow stronger!

I love the positive comments.

I have an explanation between people with autism and people without that I think is pretty accurate.
Imagine the brain having a main circuit between the initial stimuli and the final thought/action. and within that circuit, there are several ports that has to be placed in for the circuit to work.
neurotypical people have several of these ports already filled in for them, they just have to manually fill in a few. Autistic people have to manually fill in EVERY port. This can lead to having to put more effort into doing simple tasks that normal people just do without a second thought. this leads someone with autism to have to fully understand what he/she is doing in order to do it. while this can be a deficit and a drawback due to the fact that it takes longer/more effort to do things, it can also be useful. Since someone with autism has to fully understand what he/she is doing, it leads to a deeper understanding of how to do things, which allows someone with autism to be able to help someone with something about something specific that most people don't even think about.
At least this was my experience being autistic.

She is awesome! This explanation is so clear and instructional. Thank you Kate, you have given me a better understanding of my daughter. God bless you.

I feel I’m autistic I’ve learned to mask it at a young age I remember wondering as a child why I feel and think differently? In my teens it became full blown and I couldn’t mask any longer!

Thank you so much for sharing and educating. This is a great talk to listen to. Such important information.

I watched this video after watching the kdrama Extraordinary Attorney Woo and couldn't help but applaud Park Eunbin for such outstanding portrayal of women with autism. I want to understand people with autism better because when I was in elementary sometimes I acted immaturely and insensitively towards them due to the environment that influenced me to treat them like that but as I grow up, I learned what I did what wrong and insensitive. I want to become a better person with no prejudices towards people with diabilities and live a world full of love and justice.

I’m a woman with adhd and ocd amongst other things and I’m not so sure I’m not autistic. One thing that has made me question lately is that when I was younger and into my teens my parents would constantly remind me to look at them. I didn’t realize that anytime I’m talking to someone I am thinking about how to make eye contact, which eye I should be looking at, if I should be looking somewhere in the middle. That does get pretty exhausting, as well as trying to stop myself from saying everything that comes to mind and interrupting people with off topic comments (ADHD). And then of course my OCD comes in later to over-analyze how every conversation went.

When you struggle socially as a female, learning how to socialize as a male isn’t enough.

This has been really enlightening!
Thank you so much for this Ted! 🤗❤️

I’ve never heard of anyone being so adverse to velvet aside from me. Just learning I’m very likely an autistic woman, and this is so good to hear. Thank you.

I have felt for the bulk of my 30 y/l life that I was on the spectrum but I have never sought out an official diagnosis due to my fear of being misdiagnosed.

Thank you, so much! You have shed a lot of light.

I feel seen. Thank you for sharing this. I’ve wondered in silence if I was autistic for years. As many symptoms got worse I did a lot of research and reflection on my life, and realized that it very well could be what was happening. I’m in the process of officially getting diagnosed. At 20 years old, I don’t quite know if there truly are benefits to being diagnosed at this point, but I hope I can get better resources to cope and inform people of why I act the way I do sometimes.

Thank you, Kate, for providing us with a well researched and informative presentation. I appreciate you sharing your life experiences. This was incredibly helpful for me.

Thank you so much Kate ♥️ you are very good at explaining things.

I was just diagnosed over the summer at age 39. My current therapist that I have been seeing for severe anxiety Had urged me to see a psychologist to get some more testing done. She was concerned that I might have been misdiagnosed and that I actually I'm on the autism spectrum. Sure enough. She was correct- autism spectrum disorder, level 2. Everything makes so much sense now. I've always been bothered by lots of textures, bright lights, loud sounds. I've also had things that I have been obsessed with, such as the Olsen twins. Growing up. I was overly obsessed and would gather as much information as I could to know about them. It actually would get on people's nerves because I would talk about them a lot or listen to their music all the time. And I get upset if I couldn't. But everything now makes so much sense. Now I'm just trying to learn more and gain coping skills of what I can help myself with and just learn to accept what I can't change.

Thank you for this talk! I did not realize that testing was still geared toward boys.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and better educating us all. I appreciate this video more than you know

I’m waiting for a diagnosis from my doctors, And researching stuff in case I have it fingers crossed I don’t but it explains a lot about my childhood behaviour and now behaviour

Excellent talk, thank you for sharing your experience and providing more representation for autistic girls and women!

My therapist sent me this video and it's SO RELATABLE